Ruairi Stewart

Boundaries are Key to a Healthy Relationship

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Romantic or not, setting boundaries is a vital way to communicate your needs, values and expectations in a relationship.

Discussing and setting boundaries with a partner, friend or family member might sound like a recipe for friction and conflict. But boundaries are a vital way to communicate your needs, values and expectations in a relationship. Equally, you should respect and honour the boundaries set by others if you want a healthy relationship based on trust and empathy.

I’m Ruairí Stewart, a relationship and self-esteem therapist. Today, I’ll discuss why boundaries are so important and how to introduce them successfully into your relationship. 

What are boundaries?

Like the outer lines on a sports field, relationship boundaries define the limits of what you want and expect from a relationship. Boundaries can be emotional, physical, sexual and even time-based. I’m sure we’ve all had that moment when a visitor to your home has outstayed their welcome! When your partner, friend, or family respects your boundaries, they avoid overstepping that ‘line’. 

Boundaries are not just ‘rules of play’; they’re the core values that define what is important to you. Setting self-boundaries is an excellent way to develop your value system. Sara Kuburic has some great suggestions for self-boundaries, such as:

  • I will ask for help when I need it 
  • I will limit spending time on people that drain my energy 
  • I will give myself time to rest 
  • I will not check my ex-partner’s social media 
  • I will be honest with myself 

Once you have a good sense of how you want to live your life, you can incorporate these values into your relationships.

Why relationships need boundaries

Ironically, social media apps give us an easy set of tools to manage boundaries—we can mute, restrict, unfollow or even block other users. Sometimes we need to apply these same boundary-setting tools in the real world to manage our relationships and regain control.

Boundaries protect your well-being and demonstrate that your needs matter and deserve to be honoured. By setting boundaries in relationships, you separate the appropriate from the inappropriate. Some signs that your relationship may need some boundaries include:

  • Feeling overwhelmed or burnt out
  • Having no time for your own activities
  • Feeling resentment toward your partner

Privacy

Setting limits around the safety and trust element of a relationship is essential. Knowing who to share with and the level of disclosure is a vital part of your boundary setting, while also respecting their needs if they want to keep information private.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries help you take care of your own emotions and your well-being. They set limits on what energy you allow into your space. Boundaries can help stop people blindly dumping their emotions and problems on you, expecting solutions to their problems or wanting you to take responsibility for how they feel.

Material Boundaries

Material boundaries are about the things you share with someone, including your possessions, living spaces and finances. 

Everyday domestic chores are a common trigger point, where typically one person is not pulling their weight or is leeching off you financially. In these cases, you may need to send a clear message by no longer giving them access to you, your resources, your energy or your space.

Physical and Sexual Boundaries

Physical and sexual boundaries are about safety and respect, period. It’s about defining what is and isn’t ok, and communicating that freely without shame or judgment. You need to set limits on what is or isn’t appropriate. 

Time boundaries

We all need time to ourselves as well as spending time with our partners. This is a normal part of taking care of yourself—time alone is essential. 

Spending time away from your partner with your friends and family is good for you and good for them. Your time boundaries essentially communicate the level of contact and time you are willing to spend with someone. This includes time with friends and family—some people will demand more than you are ready to give, so protect your time and energy by setting boundaries.

When to hold, when to fold.

As I mentioned at the top of this article, discussing and setting boundaries with a relationship partner can be tricky—they may feel hurt or get defensive. The key is to express the issue in terms of how you feel, rather than blaming them. Don’t issue ultimatums – give them time to understand your needs and adjust accordingly. If your relationship is based on trust and honesty, it can handle a little frank discussion, and you’ll probably learn a bit more about their needs and boundaries too. 

Timing is important when you want to initiate a discussion about boundaries—make sure you choose a time when you’re both relaxed and open to chat. Avoid language that can quickly escalate a chat into an argument and stay on-topic.

When someone holds a different viewpoint or a judgement on how you feel, that’s their problem, not yours. If they can’t respect your lifestyle, opinions, or have respectful conversations around differences, don’t make space for them in your circle, or agree not to discuss these issues with them.

In some cases, despite your best efforts, the relationship may break down. Your partner, friend or family member refuses to accept there is an issue or is unwilling to change. In these situations, you may need to call on the services of a trained relationship therapist to help you resolve the impasse. Sometimes a friendship just wasn’t meant to be, and the best option is to walk away. 

Invest in yourself

Have you noticed the relationship pattern playing out over and over again in your relationships? Setting boundaries is one way to ‘invest’ in yourself and help break this cycle. Dysfunctional patterns can also indicate unresolved past traumas that you need to work on. Building self-awareness of unhealed triggers and your personal history is an empowering way to make changes in your life and build better, more fulfilling relationships.

UNTIL YOU MAKE A COMMITMENT TO HEAL A PATTERN WITHIN YOURSELF, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO EXPERIENCE THE SAME KIND OF PATTERNS AND PARTNERS IN YOUR LIFE.

Join me next time, where we look at one-sided relationships and ask the question, “Are you a people pleaser?”

The Warning Signs Of A Toxic Relationship

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Finding yourself constantly trying to people-please or being mistreated in your relationship? Red flags aren’t always easy to see, but must be addressed for…

Sometimes you find yourself putting up with a lot of shit from someone, in fear of losing them. As time goes on, you realize you’ve lost yourself in the process. People will keep treating you the way they always have if you prioritize not losing them over losing yourself.

I’m Ruairí Stewart, a relationship and self-esteem therapist. And I’m going to help you identify the warning signs of a bad relationship, whether friend, family, or lover. We’ll look at the impacts an unhealthy relationship can have on your mental health and physical wellbeing. We’ll also explore ways to change the relationship dynamic, so you can both feel accepted and respected. Are you ready to make some changes for the better? Let’s go.

Some people are trapped in toxic relationships for so long—they can’t even see the red flags: people-pleasing, exploitation, mistreatment. So what are the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship?

Telltale Signs Of A Toxic Relationship

Unhealthy relationships can take many forms, but there are common themes that center around safety, respect, and identity.

Safety

Do you feel unsafe or threatened in your relationship? For some people, it’s constant putdowns, insults, and demeaning behavior. For others, the arguments in the relationship become physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive. You don’t feel safe expressing yourself because of how your partner reacts and responds. They may get angry, shut you down, blame or intimidate you. It seems like you are constantly walking on eggshells. Issues around safety can also occur when your partner or friend struggles with destructive behaviors or addictions. 

Respect

“There will always be someone who can’t see your worth. Don’t let it be you.”

Your opinions are met with intense criticism or judgment or ridicule. Your partner doesn’t meet your needs, despite your efforts to communicate with them. They make no effort to make you believe your needs matter to them. They may even reject, ridicule, or belittle you for wanting these needs met. A partner or friend who doesn’t seek help or make any changes also demonstrates a lack of respect for your relationship.

Identity

You don’t feel you have your own identity or a sense of self separate from the relationship. Your partner denies you the freedom to make your own choices. You’ve effectively become their ‘caretaker.’

It is a heavily one-sided relationship, where they might exploit you to meet their needs, with no consideration to how you feel or what you want from the relationship. 

‘Gaslighting’ is a term used to describe a situation where someone is attacking your grasp on reality and making you doubt yourself, to the point you have no context of what feels real or not without that person’s input.

How do you deal with a toxic relationship?

Healthy relationships allow both people to have boundaries in place. A partner who consciously chooses to ignore or violate your boundaries is not respecting you or your needs. This is a red flag you can’t ignore. 

Remember, you are not bound to any person that’s keeping you feeling trapped and unhappy. Life-altering decisions can be hard to make but trust yourself to know what is best for you. You need to decide—can this relationship be rescued, or is it time to walk away?

Outcomes

Staying in an unhealthy relationship can make you feel exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally drained. Long term, these relationships can impact your mental health and self-esteem. 

With help from a trained professional therapist, you can identify the true nature of your relationship and find the path to a better outcome.

Toxic Friendship Signs

Friendships may not demand the same level of commitment as a primary relationship, but a toxic friendship can still make you feel bad. Toxic friendship signs tend to be a bit more subtle and don’t necessarily extend to full-blown abusive behavior. We do see the same general themes, including:

  • Unsafe behaviors
  • Lack of respect 
  • Attacks on your identity.

Safety

With toxic friends – there is no trust. It’s not safe for you to be yourself when you’re around them. You’re always on-guard, which loads on the stress. Their behavior might be passive-aggressive and resentful.

Respect

They exploit you when it suits them, and your needs are never met.

They expect your energy and time but provide little in return. In a toxic friendship, you don’t feel valued or respected. They might ridicule you to others, slander you, share your intimate secrets or put you down for putting yourself first.

Identity

Often you can’t say how you really feel around them—it’s their way or the highway. They might demand that you include them in your circle but actively exclude you from theirs.

How do you deal with a toxic friendship?

Having a friendship doesn’t mean you have to tolerate poor behavior just to stay ‘good friends.’ Being a good friend doesn’t mean their needs always come before yours. It doesn’t mean putting up with deception or dishonesty. Healthy friendships are built on a foundation of mutual respect—respect for each other’s boundaries, needs, and feelings.

Outcomes

Coping with toxic friends can make you feel drained. You’re giving a lot more than you are receiving. This quote from Maryam Hasnaa sums it up nicely:

“One of the biggest misconceptions about being a kind loving person is believing that you need to stick around and put up with anything.”

Can you work through the issues with your friend, or is it time to cut them loose? 

A professional therapist can help you explore the true nature of this dysfunctional relationship and guide you to a better outcome.

Serious Red Flags

In some cases, a relationship moves beyond emotional abuse and becomes physically threatening. There may be sexually abusive behavior. You should never tolerate these situations and need to remove yourself from the relationship for your own safety.

The signs of a healthy relationship

Ok – let’s finish by looking at what a well-balanced and healthy relationship looks like.

A healthy relationship is rooted in honesty, truth, and respect. It’s a safe environment, where both people can communicate their true feelings freely and without fear. 

The key to achieving a happy, functional relationship is communication. Be true to yourself and learn to communicate exactly what you think and feel. Don’t try to please others at the expense of your own happiness—that’s not your job.

Setting boundaries will help you prioritize your mental health and encourage positive changes. If your partner refuses to respect your needs, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember – you are under no obligation to fix someone else or be a martyr for the sake of the relationship.

Relationships & Confidence

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Let’s define endurance running first. Endurance running, or long-distance running, is a form of continued running over distances of at least 3 km (1.9 mi). It is largely aerobic in nature and requires a solid amount of stamina.

Nutrition for endurance runs is essential to ensure you have enough energy in the tank while you are out on the run and enough of the right nutrients to recover from a run and be ready to train the next day again.

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For shorter runs, fuel during the workout is unnecessary. Mid-run fueling is more important for longer (10+ miles) and more intense workouts.

Fueling during a long distance run is vital for performance. For longer runs, you want your fuel to be easily digestible, provide quick energy, and include essential vitamins and minerals.

Top Wellness Influencers On How They Got Through The Weirdest Year Yet

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Whether you’ve been directly affected by COVID, worried about loved ones, missed loved ones during lockdown, struggled through financial woes or just generally felt new levels of anxiety, it’s been a tough 12 months.

And with even more lockdown measures in place, rules changing on the reg, most of 2021, will continue to be tough for many.

We spoke to some of the UK’s top wellness experts and influencers to find out how they have and continue to navigate these strange times, from global yoga star Cat Meffan to nutritional therapist Madeleine Shaw and psychotherapist, Ruairí Stewart.

Madeleine Shaw, Nutritional Therapist & Author

I’ve tried to focus on the positives and in terms of work, I think it’s made me be re-energized, more excited and more passionate, and I’m so thankful that I’m able to work from home very easily.

This virus has definitely made me realise that the simple things in life are best, and actually you don’t need a lot to be happy.

I’ve also been able to work on an incredible launch and partnership with Bill’s – we have together created a bespoke vegetarian menu made of simple and seasonal ingredients – and it really embodies this idea, so I really hope people get inspired by it.

Madeleine’s Top Tips

  • Try to take the positives from the situation. For me, spending so much time with my family and having that really close-knit time of it being just us three at home was really really special.  
  • Appreciate your relationships. I’ve done a lot of work on focussing on how I can strengthen them and what I can do to be better – listening is my main one. 
  • Try to find joy in a time that feels quite joyless. Write a list of the five things that make you happy or the five things that bring you joy – it could be walking in nature, phoning a friend, cooking a meal, going to get some fresh flowers to put in your house, making a really warm bubble bath or reading a great book.  
  • Stay healthy – it is important to do so now more than ever. Nutrition is the key to a healthy immune system so make sure you’re filling up on lots of veggies, balancing your plate, having lots of healthy fats, making sure you’re sleeping well and exercising regularly. 

WWW.BILLS-WEBSITE.CO.UK

Ruairí Stewart, Psychotherapist & Founder of The Happy Whole Coach

One massive negative of this year was seeing the detrimental impact lockdown had on the mental health of many people; many clients were isolated from their loved ones, some were stuck living abroad and not coping well, but many were also stuck in isolation in unsafe and unhealthy environments in their homes.

Ruairí’s Tips

  • Be compassionate with yourself, you couldn’t have expected 2020 to be this way. Communicate how you feel with someone you trust, leverage your support network and reach out for connection. 
  • Try not to isolate yourself or bottle everything up – it’s ok to feel how you feel, you don’t have to pretend to be ok if you’re not. 
  • The pandemic and the pace of life slowing down has meant past traumas being surfaced and these need to be dealt with. Many of my clients decided to start their healing journey because of this and that’s always a positive in my eyes. 
  • Talk to one another. I was and still am working with clients virtually all over the world during this ongoing situation and work has become a lot busier. I’ve been getting a lot more word of mouth referrals being sent to me which shows that people are starting to talk to each other more about having support, which is great.  
  • If you usually avoid how you feel or distract yourself with certain habits or self medicating behaviours now is the time to learn other healthier strategies which can help you to cope long term. Be gentle on yourself, remember it won’t always be this way and you can and will overcome the challenges. When you feel overwhelmed, find hope by looking forward and focusing on the small daily choices within your control.

FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT @THEHAPPYWHOLECOACH


Sarah Bradden, Cosmetic Acupuncturist and Founder of The Bradden Method

What an interesting year, it’s definitely been a rollercoaster for sure. The highs and lows really varied.

I loved the fact that life slowed down and both my children were at home. We were able to have dinner together, dog walks in the amazing weather that we had in the summer.

For me, the negatives (apart from the obvious financial one!) was how hard I found it not seeing my family and friends. I missed people, the interactions, the hugs! I’m a very tactile person and not having that human contact was hard.

Sarah’s Tips

  • Lockdown has been a time that made us face up to stuff, stuff  you might have been putting off for ages in the house; paperwork, sorting cupboards, etc… Even conversations that maybe you’ve had the excuse of not having the time to have face to face. Covid has meant that there has been nowhere to hide for anyone, if there were cracks in anything they only got bigger in lockdown and now is the time to face up to things, the good, the bad and the ugly.
  • Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s important to create a structure to the day. Talk to your friends and family on good days and bad days – it’s so important to stay in touch. 
  • Remember you can’t please everyone. When it comes to my relationships, this time has made me realise that I’ve definitely been a people pleaser. I’ve learnt that I can’t please everyone and that’s not my role too either. Having the time to sit back will make you realise and reaffirm a daily practise of making sure you operate from the heart and not the head.
  • Trust the unknown and stay positive – this time has really put my beliefs into practice. 
  • Don’t watch the news all the time. Make your health a priority, choose good things to put into your system like good food and lovely juices. 
  • Do lots of facial massage on yourself, it helps calm the parasympathetic nervous system down and gives you glowing skin. There are lots of tutorials on my IG. 
  • Even if you don’t feel like exercising, do something gentle, go out for a walk or follow some great classes online. I start each day with meditation and Qigong, and add some exercise into the week with either walking the dog or online sessions. 

WWW.SARAHBRADDEN.COM

Luke Worthington, Elite Personal Trainer

The period of enforced isolation caused us all to be much more purposeful in our interactions and connections with others.  Incidental interactions were no more, so we had to reach out with intent to connect.

Luke’s Tips

  • Take ownership of your health and fitness. It’s one of the few things that we have direct control over in an uncertain world, and is our main line of defence against COVID-19, should we come into contact with it. 
  • Restructure the way you work. Since being allowed back to work in July, I have restructured my week to limit client work to Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, leaving Tuesdays and Thursdays to focus on online work, writing, studying, and anything that I consider to be working ON my business, rather than just IN it.
  • Reach out to people. Everyone I know has had some form of challenge as a result of the situation this year. So I feel we’re probably all in a much more empathetic position than ever before. Everyone ‘gets it’ and is ready to listen.
  • If you’re finding things easier than others, take the time to call someone who may not be – you could be the thing that makes the difference to them today.

WWW.LUKEWORTHINGTON.COM


Cat Meffan, Yoga Instructor, Influencer & Founder of Soul Sanctuary

Idefinitely feel more comfortable and accepting of a slower paced life, which I think is a huge positive. We live in such a fast-paced world, so being more present and slowing down to be grateful for the small things is special.

Cat’s Tips

  • It’s crucial to have a separate work and living space. Even if it’s a case of going out for a walk before and after work to set your headspace for a productive day.
  • Lean into a place of acceptance and understand that though some things are extremely frustrating, they are out of our control. 
  • Remind yourself often that you’re not alone even if it feels that way. We’re in this weirdness together, and your emotions are normal. Allow yourself to feel however you need to, talk to friends, exercise, practice mindfulness in any way that serves you. Be gentle with yourself and try to let go of the constant expectations we put on ourselves to be doing more.

WWW.MYSOULSANCTUARY.CO

Louise Parker, Founder of The Louise Parker Method 

It’s safe to say that 2020 is a year that none of us will ever forget. But in the midst of it all, what I have most been struck by is the fortitude and resilience of the human spirit. 

What I feel has most come to the forefront, is the sense of global community and togetherness that has connected us all throughout these difficult times.

The sheer dedication of our NHS key workers on the frontline – all of whom are doing an extraordinary job – has been inspiring. We have learnt to be stronger together, but we have also learnt to be vulnerable and authentic with one another about our struggles as we navigate through this unprecedented period. 

Louise’s Tips

  • Be creative about how you keep in touch with your loved ones.  It isn’t easy, but we are all in this together and there’s almost a sense of solace that you find in that.
  • Make a separation between work and home life. Though it can often feel easier said than done,  I try to make a point of being truly present in each moment. 
  • Remember: none of us are superhuman. Managing the complexity of emotions and feelings that have arisen this year has been nothing short of challenging.
  • It’s important to acknowledge that it’s ok to reach out for support when you need it. If you are feeling overwhelmed, or vulnerable, try not to go it alone.  It can be daunting sharing how we are feeling with others, but in doing so we can find a great deal of comfort and connection.  
  • Keep some form of rhythm in your day to keep yourself grounded. Design your day in a way that makes looking after yourself a priority. Define your simple pleasures and weave them throughout your week so that you have little pops of joy to look forward to, whether that’s connecting with an old friend on a phone call, learning a new skill, revisiting former passions or hobbies or simply making time for rest.
  • I find that focusing on what I can control helps me to remain on an even keel. If you find yourself worrying, choosing to think about the day you’re in, rather than thinking too far ahead into the week or month can really help to keep things in perspective. 
  • Go into each day with a clearly defined purpose to stay positive and hopeful. Each night I do a digital detox where I switch off from my electronic devices and give myself a window of an hour, screen-free before my head hits the pillow. I love to call this time my ‘bedtime sanctuary’. I find that nurturing a good night’s sleep really helps me to lift the ‘brain-fog’ I feel when I’m lacking rest and helps me to feel more inclined to think positively during the day. 
  • Limit your intake of social media to help prevent information overload and stick to just the formal updates and recommendations. 
  • Eat in a well-balanced way. I like to base my meals and snacks on vegetables, fruits, lean sources of protein including legumes, beans, pulses and including heart healthy fats helps me to feel well. I love to present my meals and snacks in a way that look as delicious as they taste – it takes a little extra time, but it’s worth it as it helps me to be more mindful when I eat. 
  • Exercise and moving your body is an important part of self-care. Get your 10,000 steps in daily as a baseline and step it up with structured workouts across the week to help keep things interesting.

WWW.LOUISEPARKER.COM

Comparison culture: as we head out of lockdown, we need to embrace the Japanese concept of “oubaitori”

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Worrying you need to look and feel a certain way by the end of lockdown? Then it’s time to embrace the Japanese concept of “oubaitori.”

Earlier this week, Boris Johnson shared his goal to effectively end lockdown on 21 June.

As the fourth stage of the government’s “road map” plan, the prime minister made it abundantly clear that this date is subject to review, as he is being driven by “data not dates.”

Despite this caveat, though, many have taken this idea of a social distancing-free world to heart, flooding Twitter and Instagram with jubilant quotes, their plans for summer 2021, and, of course, a flurry of memes. 

A common theme among these posts? The idea that 21 June is now being used as a date for many to work towards, with an aim of bettering themselves before the UK gets back to normal (or as close to normal as it can).

I know how they feel, of course; I’ve been in lockdown for a year, and it feels – when I look at other people’s experiences via their social media feeds, at least – as if I’ve nothing to show for it.

I haven’t started running, learned a new language, or improved my baking skills. I haven’t been meditating, or mastered the five-minute plank, or improved my skincare routine. I haven’t even been taking lunchbreaks or going to bed at a decent time every night. 

Worst of all these realisations, though? The fact that I’ve been given just four months to rectify all of this and get myself to the same level as everyone else. 

Comparison, as ever, has proven itself to be the thief of joy; I should be over the moon that lockdown is ending, not worrying about my seeming lack of accomplishment over the past year.

It’s for this reason, then, that I’ve decided to embrace the Japanese concept of oubaitori wholeheartedly, in the hope that I’ll feel happier and more comfortable in my own skin as a result. 

What is oubaitori?

As per Yamato, oubaitori (pronounced oh-buy-toe-ree) is “a Japanese idiom that comes from the kanji for the four trees that bloom in spring: cherry, plum, apricot and peach.”

“Each flower blooms in its own time and it’s a reminder that everyone is on their own journey through life.”

Essentially, then, this Japanese idiom means that people shouldn’t live their lives comparing themselves to others, but instead value their own unique traits and focus on their own growth. 

Why is it important to embrace oubaitori?

“When you compare yourself to others you are only seeing things from your lens of experience, your perspective,” says psychotherapist Ruairi Stewart (aka The Happy Whole Coach).  

“You don’t have the full picture of the other person’s journey or the reality of their situation.”

He adds: “This is one reason social media can be such a trigger. People choose to share with others what they want to be seen, so it’s important not to judge yourself harshly when looking sideways at others, because you don’t have all the information.” 

How can we practise the art of oubaitori for ourselves?

It can be hard to think of practical ways to apply an idiom or lifestyle concept to your life. However, Stewart has broken the art of oubaitori down into six easy steps.

1) Be aware of your self-talk and be kind to yourself

“Look at the types of thoughts that come up when you feel yourself going to that place of comparison,” he says.

“They aren’t serving you, they are usually self-critical and disempowering. You need to challenge these thoughts as soon as they creep up. Think about how you would challenge your best friend or loved one’s beliefs if they told you they were comparing themselves harshly to others.

“You would remind them of their strengths, so do this for yourself.” 

2) Stop talking negatively about yourself to others.

“Big yourself up!” insists Stewart.

“Take stock of your strengths and wins regularly, focus on cultivating kind self-talk and if you must compare anything, compare yourself now to a younger version of yourself who had yet to achieve all that you’ve now accomplished. Take pride in your growth and how far you’ve come and own your journey.”

When I take a moment to do this myself, it’s a wee while before my blank notebook begins to fill up with what I consider to be my ‘lockdown achievements’.

Once I get started, though, I soon realise that, by constantly comparing myself to others, I’ve ignored many of my accomplishments over the past year. Seriously, how on earth did I manage to forget the fact that I managed to pick up a red belt (and two new fringes) in Kung Fu during the social distancing phase of lockdown last year?

3) Filter your social media

“Mute or unfollow the accounts that bring up a lot of comparison-driven thoughts or feelings within you,” urges Stewart.

“Being mindful of the media you consume is one way you can stop yourself falling into this comparison trap, especially given that social media is often an exaggerated form of reality.” 

4) Remind yourself you don’t have the full picture

“You’re probably not fully aware of a person’s journey, nor do you know if they are happy or fulfilled yet you judge yourself as a result of the conclusions you’ve come to,” says Stewart.

“You can’t compare your chapter five to someone else’s chapter 40. Comparison in this context is disempowering. People curate their lives on social media, they share what they want you to see – don’t let this define how you see yourself or measure your self-worth against it.” 

5) Establish a gratitude practice

“Daily gratitude is a powerful way to shift your perspective from lacking to abundance, to be fully thankful for the positive things in your life,” promises Stewart.

“This helps shift your focus back onto you and what is going well, as opposed to looking at others and feeling you’re lacking, being judgmental or feeling inadequate. You’ll find there’s a lot to be thankful for in life if you stop and take note of it.”

Starting a gratitude journal is an excellent way to reflect on the big and small moments in your life that bring you joy. And studies have proven that they really do work; indeed, people who regularly practise gratitude have better physical and mental health, sleep better, and have higher levels of self-esteem, too. 

6) Use the success of others as motivation

“If they can do it, then why can’t you?” reasons Stewart. “Naturally there may be barriers, hurdles and challenges to make things happen, but it doesn’t hurt to believe in yourself and have the motivation to strive for more.

“Use the achievements of others as motivation to spur yourself on, to believe in yourself, to strive for more, to work on yourself and your own personal development.

This is a good cue for you to focus on the things that really matter: making an impact, helping people, focusing on the kind of person you want to be and the lasting impression you want to make on people.

“Shift your perspective and find something you admire in others, be it their kindness, their work ethic, or their generosity, and focus on building this within yourself. These are all things that you can control. Where your attention goes, your energy flows, so try and use it for something positive and resourceful.” 

Why This Blue Monday We’re More Likely To Feel Overwhelmed Than Ever Before

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We thought 2020 was a year like no other but we’re not even a month into 2021 and we’re already over it.

Having barely taken the Christmas decorations down, PM Boris Johnson announced earlier this month that England was going into a third national lockdown.

Sure we’ve been here before, twice before to be precise, but this time round our previously positive “we can do this” resolve seems to have dwindled.

From having to tackle round two of the work/life/homeschool juggle, to anxiety over the rising numbers of coronavirus cases and deaths, and all without a hug from our family and friends, it’s little wonder so many of us are feeling somewhat overwhelmed.

As if we haven’t got enough to contend with, January also brings us Blue Monday, which is considered the most depressing day of the year.

Read more: How to look after your mental health this January

Falling on the third Monday of the year, the term was coined by psychologist Cliff Arnall, who came up with a “formula” for the height of the January blues after he was asked to do so by travel firm Sky Travel.

While this was a marketing stunt, it is widely thought that January is a month when many of us struggle.

And this year, with everything going on, Monday 18 January, 2021, looks set to be the bluest of all Blue Mondays.

“As the festive season has come to an end, lockdown continues to keep us shut up in our houses and the cold, wet and dark winter weather rages on, some of us will experience feeling a little blue,” explains Niels Eék, psychologist and co-founder of mental health and self-development platform Remente.

Though Eék is not a believer in the day itself, he believes the winter months, and January in particular, can leave us all feeling a little more blue than the rest of the year.

Why are we feeling more overwhelmed this third lockdown? (Posed by model, Getty Images)

This year, lockdown will no doubt play a role in this being one of the toughest Blue Mondays in memory for some.

During the third national lockdown, “many people across the UK may be finding that they feel more stressed, anxious and overwhelmed than ever,” Eék explains.

“When confronted with difficult feelings, it can be challenging to think and act rationally, and even function in a way that is normal to us. This is a completely natural response to an ever-changing and uncertain situation.”

Eék says feeling overwhelmed is the brain’s reaction to an overload in thoughts and emotions.

“It is a signal telling you to ‘stop, pause, step back and take a minute’,” he explains.

So what’s different about this lockdown and why is it making us feel so overwhelmed?

According to Eék, the pandemic has inevitably caused a lot of uncertainty for all of us and, for those who regularly suffer from anxiety, or have suffered particularly this year, the darker months, cold and wet weather, paired with a third lockdown may be exacerbating those already prevalent feelings.

“Additionally, because we are now in a cycle of entering and exiting lockdown, it can feel as though returning to ‘normal’ is less and less attainable, and the uncertainty around when we may be able to leave lockdown, or if a fourth lockdown will follow, can become a point of concern and fixation, leading to increased anxiety and negative feelings,” he adds.

Pamela Roberts, psychotherapist at the Priory’s Woking Hospital, believes we’re currently experiencing a sense of collective trauma, which is contributing to feelings of overwhelm right now.

“We aren’t brilliant at processing complex emotions; our culture doesn’t help us, as news and social media is ‘drip fed’ to us,” she explains.

Read more: Healthier You: 5 Top Tips To Boost Your Mental Health

While we adjusted to previous lockdowns, Roberts says many of us were left with lingering feelings of anxiety.

“Lockdown 3.0 may therefore be triggering all sorts of negative emotions from the other lockdowns, and exacerbating them,” she explains.

“So we are being ‘re-triggered’, having thought we might have found a platform of safety, mentally speaking. It can be exhausting, and draining.”

Watch: Why winter could be the worst season for mental health

https://uk.style.yahoo.com/third-americans-claim-worst-season-140200130.html

What happens to your body when you’re feeling overwhelmed?

According to psychotherapist Ruairi Stewart, aka The Happy Whole Coach, being constantly overwhelmed can activate the body’s fight or flight response.

“On a physical level this mobilising your body to take some sort of action can leave you hyper vigilant, keyed up, irritable, fatigued, prone to mood swings and manifesting itself as a low tolerance for stress,” he explains.

“This is also likely to take a toll on your relationships with others impacting on your ability to stay calm and present, with so much going on internally with negative ruminative thoughts, it won’t take much for a person to feel overwhelmed and as if the pandemic is sending them over the edge.”

Stewart says the longer people stay in this headspace, can have a negative impact on physical wellbeing.

“It can also have a negative impact on relationships with all the added pressure and being forced to adapt to so much restriction, he explains.

“Parents are having to take on homeschooling roles as well as maintaining a household and possibly work from home – it’s a lot to process.”

The good news is, there is something we can do about it.

If you are finding yourself feeling overwhelmed, there are a number of small actions you can take and changes you can make to ease those feelings and gear up for a more positive Blue Monday and beyond.

Read more: How to learn from failure, according to a psychologist

Lockdown 3.0 is contributing to feelings of overwhelm. (Posed by models, Getty Images)

How to tackle feelings of overwhelm and feel more positive

Take a tech break

As we are finding ourselves spending more time at home, Eék says we should be wary of too much screen time.

“Research has shown that digital overload can contribute to feelings of anxiety, as getting constant notifications throughout the day causes our bodies to produce more of the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline, which can cause nervousness, anxiety and eventually leave us feeling overwhelmed,” he explains.

The barrage of news about the pandemic that we get through our devices can also cause or worsen feelings of anxiety.

“To help avoid overstimulation, you may want to set aside some time where you put your phone away or avoid screens entirely to help your brain recover from the stresses of the day.”

Reframe your mindset

Acknowledge that you cannot control the current situation, only your reaction to it.

“Mindfulness and goal-setting can help manage how we react to the world around us and, in turn, put us more at ease,” Eék explains.

Tune into your feelings

Learn to pay attention to your thoughts and challenge the narrative if it’s mainly fear based.

“What would you say to your best friend to give them reassurance? Look for the positives in this experience and recognise how resilient you have already been, adapting to the first two lockdowns,” suggests Stewart.

“What did you do well first time round and what will you do differently this time that would help you cope better?”

Pause and take a deep breath

Eék suggests starting the day with meditation or breathing exercises. “These simple but effective exercises may help you to centre yourself, preparing you to face the rest of the day,” he explains.

One such technique is to breathe in slowly through your nose, whilst counting to ten. Then exhale through your mouth, again counting to ten slowly whilst consciously dropping your shoulders and relaxing your body.

“You can repeat this until you feel calm and relaxed enough to get moving again,” he adds. “Practising these exercises at different times throughout the day, or in the moments you find yourself feeling really overwhelmed, can help to alleviate negative feelings and help you to calm your mind.”

Practice being in the present

If you start to notice yourself feeling overwhelmed, try to recognise what led you to this feeling and practice being “in the now”.

“Stop and listen to what you can hear, and ‘stretch’ your hearing beyond that, to things you can’t hear,” suggests Roberts. “Can you hear things like birds for example? Do the same with temperatures and textures. What can you feel around you that is hot, warm or cold, or soft or ruffled.

“Imagine opening a book, and feeling the pages and noticing the smell of the book. Imagine sand running between your toes. Does it remind you of another time or place? These sorts of exercises can change the pattern of your thinking and stop you going into ‘auto-pilot’ with negative thoughts.”

Distract yourself

Roberts suggests doing a distraction activity for 10 minutes to avoid ‘excessive’ thinking. “It can be as simple as taking a shower, or getting a hot water bottle and wrapping yourself in a blanket,” she says. “Do something calming and soothing, and be compassionate to yourself.”

Read more: How our lifestyles became less healthy in first lockdown

Seek help

If you are feeling overwhelmed or struggling to cope, always seek help from your local GP. “Maintaining good mental health is as important as maintaining good physical health,” Eék says.

“Just as you would seek help from your doctor if you were injured, your GP is there to listen, to talk to you, and can direct and/or refer you to a mental health specialist if needed.”

You can also look to mental health charities that are there to help, such as Anxiety UK, Mind or Rethink Mental Illness for additional resources.

For further help

The Samaritans charity offers emotional support to people in distress and those who are struggling to cope. You can call them from any phone for free on 116 123. You can email jo@samaritans.org and a Samaritans volunteer will respond.

Mind is one of the UK’s leading charities. For support you can call their Infoline on 0300 123 3393, email info@mind.org.uk or text 86463.

The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) has a helpline number which is 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.

Watch: Holly Willoughby urges viewers to seek help during lockdown.

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